Monster
by TeRa SloAn
Summary: I wake up screaming. That’s the only thing I seem to be doing for the last couple of years. Scream. Everything is just so real. Their faces, their screams, their blood. There is always so much blood…
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I make any money from this.

Monster

Lately, I'm afraid of the dark. I don't want to turn off the light. I'm scared of falling asleep, of the nightmares that never stops. The idea of closing my eyes frightens me, just as much as taking my next breath. It hurts. There's a snake eating its way through my head. I'm going crazy, night after night. The dreams are consuming my life. There's no potions, no drugs. Nothing will take them away. Nothing will make Him go away. Every night I pray so I don't have to wake up the next. That maybe my body will succumb to the darkness. That I won't have to keep on breathing. I don't want to keep living. Not like this. So much blood, everywhere…

Sometimes, I hope someone hears me at night. Screaming. I hope there's someone out there that will hold me, make it all go away, tell me everything's going to be ok, even if we both know it's not. I pray and I hope. They say hope is the last thing a human loses. To me, it just seems it was the first thing that went away. Now it's as if I'm hoping to be able to hope again. But it's so hard, it's so damn difficult when nobody ever comes, when nobody hears me at night. Not when I turn and turn, not when I cry, not when I scream. Nobody hears me, not even when I'm surrounded by people and I'm screaming inside for someone to save me, for someone to hold me, to take my pain away. No one listens. No one cares to. Hope is just a fool's word and I always wake up alone, screaming, bleeding…

I want to be normal. I want to feel normal. Each time that I start to pretend that everything is ok, it all comes crashing down at night, when the light turns off, when the pain starts, when I wake up reliving all the blood there's on my hands… I try not to think about the pain when it's four in the morning and I'm trying to wash off the stains. Struggling to wash off the blood…

I like to pretend someone else can come and save me from myself. I like to pretend there's a way to beat this monster. I like to pretend a lot. Like when I try to make it seem as if I can't see them, see their faces, judging me, unforgiving, terse. I see them every day, every minute of every day. Every day and every night that passes means another failure. I like to pretend I have the strength to keep on living. That I have the will to keep on fighting. But it's just that. A game. Pretending to be, exactly, what I'm not. Pretending I have no blood on my hands, on my soul. Stained. Dirty. Beaten. Bloodied…

I know I've got no place to hide. Not anymore. There's no dark cupboard, keeping inside my secrets, concealing my pain, silencing my screams. No place on this earth, no matter how secreted, no matter how buried, no matter how dark, nowhere can I hide my shame, my regrets, my pain, my blood…


	2. Start over again

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I make no money from this. Please review.

Start over again

Aah! Fuck!

There's too much light on. That can only mean one thing. Hospital wing. I have no idea how or why I'm lying here today, it's happened so many times before. My whole body hurts, it's not something that can be cured, nor lessened with the help of potions. It just is. A constant wave of pain. And I can't make it go away. I used to think that I was strong, but as time goes on my ability to suffer through it reduces, contrary to popular belief. The pain used to go away for a while, but now, now it's a constant feeling, the soreness in my muscles, the way my head throbs, an unwavering migraine that never ends, the spasms my body undergoes without reasoning, the shaking of my hands every morning before I'm calm enough… I'm falling apart…

How could this happen to me? I just wanted to make you proud. Now I'm hanging by a thread and I can't hold on for much longer. Not like this. Not alone. I know I've made my mistakes, plenty of them actually, and most of them big, huge. I think I need a miracle to make it through. I'm suffocating and there's no one that hears me, no one willing enough to save me, caring just enough to hold me. I'm slipping off the edge…

In the muggle world there's a program for terminal people called "Make a Wish". Sometimes I yearn they could make my wishes come true, but it's just not possible, not with all the magic in the world, because… I wish that I could turn back in time, erase the things that I've done, start over where everything began going wrong, so wrong. I wish that I could bring you back so you would be here with me. You made it seem as if my world wasn't falling apart. I'm so lost without you; I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know where I should go. You're the only one that cared, even when I was so mad at you that I wouldn't talk to you for days. You're the only one that listened, even when I didn't want to talk. Now I am fading away…

I don't think I can deal with this. Not anymore. I may seem strong on the surface, but I'm not… not all the way through. I'm sorry, but I need to hold on to you. I just can't let you go, not now. Not yet. I know it's idiotic, however the pain is eating me alive, so I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered, when everything was so simple and you were there, by my side. Why is everything so hard without you? I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I miss you so much I'm losing my mind…


	3. No Forever

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I make no money from this.

No forever

Nothing lasts forever. That's the first thing you learn while growing up, maybe not directly but it's a universal fact that everyone, subconsciously, is very aware of. There is nothing in this world that lasts forever, it may prevail for a very long time, but like everything it never stays intact as it is, it changes one way or another. That's the second, most known, universal fact, which ties coincidently with the first one: everything changes.

Right now though, it feels as if my pain is never ending. My body is shaking. Everything hurts. I don't know for how much longer I will be able to stand through this. There's blood everywhere on me. Isn't it sad I'm actually more concerned about the spasms my muscles seem to be going through than that family I've just seen murdered? Another family is dead. Another father that won't tuck his children in, an auror that fell. A mother that will never kiss nor hug her children again, a witch that won't wake up anymore. A little girl, daddy's little girl, cold and alone forever more. A big boy, a strong kid that will never play nor fly nor breathe any longer. I don't know their names, probably never will. There are too many faces, too many names, to remember them all.

Oh, look! There's blood on the sheets. Probably should clean that up.

It is raining today, just like yesterday, and the day before. Someone… who was it? I really can't remember… that's odd… Anyway, someone mentioned the other day that the constant rain has been making people feel down, since humans have this need to see the sun shine to make them feel better. It's funny how people relate their emotions to the weather. I've never understood that before. It's not like the nightmares lessen just because the day was sunny, nor does it make Him any less angry or willing to stop torturing his followers. It makes no sense to me, never has, never will.

Another day, another morning with these people; these innocent, naïve children, save in their castle, save in their ignorance. Not one of them caring what's outside their pathetic teenage worlds, not until the war reaches their homes, not until someone they know dies. Ignorance really is bliss. At least, for a little while. Once innocence is lost, though, there's no way to regain it, there's no cure, no matter what, and nothing will ever be the same again. People say I'm jaded, that I'm a cynic. How can I not, after everything that has happened?

As I said before, everything changes. Something HAS to change, otherwise…


	4. The End

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I make any money from this.

The end

Tonight is the end. Te end of my pain, of my suffering. Tonight I will feel no more. I will be no more. Desperation has taken a hold of me. It feels as if it is choking me and it's so difficult to breathe, so hard, so painful. I am so tired of this live. I tried, I really did, but it's so hard without you, without someone out there fighting for me, caring, listening to what I have to say. So tonight, tonight it all ends.

There's blood running through the blade you gave me. My blood. I hope you'll forgive me.

You were my only light, the only bright side to my horrible life. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You were the only one who saw me for who I was. You never believed what others said. You never cared what others thought. To you, I was just a kid, a kid you cared for. And now…, I'm sorry, I truly am, but I can't be who you loved anymore. I know you'll be angry with me for doing what I'm doing, killing myself, but I tried so hard to make you proud of me and look how it all ended. I messed up everything. It wasn't supposed to end like this. I believed I would have a chance at a normal life, that there would be people, friends and family by my side I had hoped that I would be happy. Happy with you.

I can't remember a time before all this shit happened. I can't remember feeling happy, but I know it was how you made me feel. I can't explain what happened or how did it happen, everything changed so fast. Now look at me, sitting in the floor, alone, in a puddle of my own blood.

"… Damn it! Wake up! Come on! ..." There's someone screaming at me. Doesn't he see I am done? That this is me, saying goodbye? Saying it's enough? That I can't do it, not anymore? "… No, don't fall back asleep! Shit! …" It is futile, please, stop trying. Please, don't do this. It is too late to save me. Nothing will make this right again.

Now I've made my choice, however wrong you may think it is. This isn't a perfect world, and neither am I. In the end though, we make our own choices, our own mistakes. In the end, it's what we chose to do and how we chose to live that really matters.

"... Don't you dare do this! Potter! HARRY!!"


	5. Please understand

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I make any money from this.

Please understand

The funeral was short. Not many had attended, despair filling their hearts.

Now, though, I am here, standing alone, watching the grave of someone I once hated. Now, I am here, crying, for the one we betrayed.

It has been years I've felt like this. Failure has been my companion for a long time. But just this once, I had hoped I could have saved someone; that I could have arrived on time. I tried so hard to keep him breathing, but it wasn't enough. He hadn't the strength, he didn't care anymore. I failed to recognize the signs, signs of depression and abuse; we all did. We weren't there for him, when he needed us. We didn't listen to him, not once. And now, he is gone.

The Others have started to resent him, they wonder why. Why did he kill himself before saving them? Forever condemning him to a duty he was forced to carry. Condemning him for betraying them like this. They just don't understand. They could never comprehend the pain, the suffering, the loneliness.

In the end, he was just a child.

A child I used to hate for something he never did. A child that reminded me of everything that went wrong in the past; of every mistake I made.

Now though, I am the only one grieving for him. For the childhood he never had; for the pressures he had to endure; for every one of his screams, that were silenced. Now, I stand here, in his grave, hoping and praying that he can find the peace in death he was never granted in life. I pray that he can give me the strength to keep fighting, in his honor. So I may be able to help others like him, like me, who have no one that cares.

"I'm so sorry, child. Forgive me." I hope you can find it in your heart, even though I know I don't deserve forgiveness.

"There is nothing to forgive, professor"

How? How is it possible for him to be here, talking to me? Can fate be so cruel as to condemn this child, who has suffered more than most alive, to an eternity on this earth, unable to find peace?

"I am not a ghost, sir, but Magic has granted me this moment on Earth"

"If that is so, why would you waste such precious time with me? Why not be with your friends, explaining what happened?"

"They don't understand; never will. I don't want them to. Even if that means they'll hate me"

"I'm so sorry… No one should ever go through what you did, least of all a child"

"You don't have to apologize. No one knew the pain I carried inside of me"

"We should have! We were expecting so much from you, too much"

"I Know"

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"As I have said before, sir, there is nothing to forgive. Please, understand. Me killing myself… it wasn't just goodbye… It was me saying that I couldn't do it anymore; that I didn't care, as callous as that sound. If you had saved me, we would still be in this situation, because one way or another I would have found a way to end my life. It was never your fault.

And now, I have found peace. I am surrounded by those who love me. I am healing. I am happy"

He's gone.

I promise you, Harry Potter, that I will end this war that has made you suffer so much. Every breath that I take will be for you.

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This is the end.I wanted to have a happy ending. Or as close to one as I could!

I hope everyone that read this has enjoyed it. It's been my first atempt at writing and I hope you'll review.


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